Match Report by Cavaliers Unofficial News Team - Handslope

And here was the news.

Exciting news just in - Apparently martians have landed in northampton. The little green men have taken residence in a small suburb in Northampton, living mainly in Wardrobes and only exposing themselves after dark to one man in particular. The only eye witness, Steven Hayward aged 67, a local Ice cream salesman, and occasional hernia groaner, was unavailable to comment to our reporters, as he was busy looking for burgulars that have developed a highly intelligent decoy tactic. Apparently the burglars make themselves sound like earthquakes to disguise their non presence in the downstairs of your home. Before not burgluring and leaving you looking like a proper plum after you have woken the whole family.... proper plum.

Now to sport.

Yesterday saw the first defeat of the season of the Northampton Cavaliers, going down to a humiliating 10 wicket defeat to Handslope.

On a day when it was widely thought that there would be little cricket played, the fans of the Cavaliers were left wishing that this was the case. The home team winning their first toss of the season, saw the cavalier captain Tony "T-Bone Steak and chips and all the trimmings" Harris decide to bat, a decision that was backed by his attractive assistant David "Buck Buck Buckie Buck" Rogers.

The artist formerly known as the artist formerly known as having some style for an old un, and Andrew "Springer Spaniel pup" Hayward marched to the middle like two roman gladiators marching into battle with the hordes of the North. Well when I say Marched, one walked quite gingerly with the pace of a man that has seen more winters than he wishes to recall, and the other one strolled bandy legged like a character from a silent film in the 1920's that was just about to walk onto a big building site, onto a big tube, out on to a girder, then onto the crane, over a building and then somehow be back on the sidewalk without ever knowing that he had been in such an adventure, hilarious !
And when I say hordes of the North I mean 11 fine gentle folk from the shire of Handslope - where all peoples hands slope in a way that has yet to be seen or scientifically proven to be any different to those of any others. Apart obviously from the town of Handsnoslope, and Stiffhand - which incidentally won last years "Best fishpond arrangement to the music of Beethoven " award for towns in the North of Cumbria. Quite an achievement for a town which suffered from the white spot and fin rot outbreak of 2007 I think we can all agree.

JC scored some runs, in the region of 20 was the total of those runs, The artist formerly known as etc etc scored exactly, no points or fractions, but exactly nothing, zero, nil, duck, quack. Which especially amused Buck as he had avoided getting the first duck of the season - yip and furthermore eee.

Tony T-Bone was next to enter the fray, wearing glasses that had surely been fashioned from containers that had once held the energy providing lucozade pop. Tony launched some expansive swings of the bat, however most of them failed to connect with anything other the sound of squirrels darning their socks for the winter, and he was soon left to ponder the benefits of market globalisation in the trout farming industry..

Micky Silverback then entered the fray, and it was commented on that he had a very sexy posture at the crease, not man like but powerful and beastly shedding animal nitrate instead of sweat..

Micky was soon joined by bucky after Tonys downfall - a downfall that should have been avoided as he was trying to leave the ball but ended up edging it to the slips... So when he tries to hit it he misses, and when he tries to leave it he hits it to the fielders - hmmm only one word comes to mind ....bum head .... ( Yes there are two words there - that is the post monologoneac humour of the sentence..)

Buck dominated from that point on with some powerful leaves, and exquisite forward defensives. He was finally out after a mammoth innings spanning 1 runs after being caught amazingly on the drive by a super human effort by the fielder - who was later found to be a superhero only visiting earth for a single day to thwart Bucky in his efforts in global cricket domination ... the fiend !

That brought A "Will you shut up you annoying chattering till your blue in the face Corbyarian" J who played his first ball onto his own stumps - what a numpty - but wait the bails, just like AJs 2 veg, they have not dropped - what a relief - AJ our saviour was still at the crease ............ not for that long though as he buggered his extra life up in a manner that upon later reflection could have only been forced by the gods themselves - punishing the wayward youngster for his ill advised allegience to the crud that is Chelski...

Neil then came to the crease, Neil who seemed happy to walk the boundaries with anyone who cared to join him, rather than join the collective of his ever loving team mates - they felt shunned.. And not only that but he later went home early after the game to do DYI I think its called - and to rub salt into the considerable wounds this was after he denied us all the normal post shower "ass in your face" in the dressing room while drying himself and looking for his undercrackers - the day was frankly one letdown after another for the fans and followers of the lord - of which I am certainly one. If this wandering shall continue in future weeks I suggest a backpack and some singing to accompany the strolling.. " Valderee - Valderaa - Valdreee - Valder a ha ha ha ha" should be just to tonic that we all need.

Phil "Man O the match" Mitchell then entered the batting arena - taking a strangely low stance for a man that is normally 6 foot 5 in height - however from a man that got 1 who am I to comment on the fact that he looked like a man that had had some ribs removed do that he could pleasure his fruits by his own mouth. Lusty fours and cracking noises then came from the middle - noises that had not previously been heard all day - they sounded vaguely like leather on willow ....

Micky the spin joined the fun and added to the fair feast of runs that was being served up.

After this it was all rubbish frankly, well apart from Ronnie " Right here Right now" Ron Ron the Rocket Man who bravely held up and end for 5 balls before falling to frankly his only weak spot when it comes to batting. Yes Ronster only has the one weak spot despite the constant selection at number 11. After some time the bowler cunningly devised a plan that would see the ball be bowled straight at the stumps - a devilish plan that found Ronnies achilles heal - it was the end of a frankly poor innings that started badly, dipped in the middle, and faded out towards the end.

Tea.

Tea was eventually taken when brown owl could be bothered to turn up. She looked a bit flustered as we had finished so early. It is widely believed that she hadn't had enough time to get the bread to the normal level of staleness by sitting the sandwiches on a radiator in front of an open window.
There was also a lack of experimentation in the tea - leaving us with vegetarian choices alone - there was'nt an Aldi ham roll sandwich to be seen, but nonetheless we all braved the tea once more, and sniggered as we watched the away team munch on - knowing that they would be needing to be nearer to a toilet over the next few days than they would normally care for.


The Cavaliers then took the field, with a spring in their step that still suggested there maybe an unlikely victory still to be taken. Mitchell and Spaniel opened the bowling - and it can be only alikened to a porn star fishing contest - tight lines and good lengths ...

But there was no breakthrough, in the cricket that is, the porn star fishing contest is a whole different story that I may share with you another day.

Penfold Hawkins then did something that nearly resembled bowling - in the same way that Penfold nearly resembles a human - but you do have to look twice and under a very bright light to be sure.

Micky the spin tried his hardest to concede as many runs as Penfold - but just failed to do so - and at least his efforts led to a dropped catch by the T-Bone.

To be honest the rest of the day in the field was a blur of disappointment and picking the warts off of my testicles. The cavs eventually fell after just over 20 overs and had not managed to ask for another batsmen to attend the crease.

Despite this drinks were taken after the game where we all enjoyed a good laugh at the various members of the Hayward family. Nevermind the Klumps - Eddie Murphy should try playing all the Haywards in a blockbuster big screen movie - a smash if ever there was to be one.

Now back to the main news stories..

Next, in the townships of Corby, a lady has been questioned about her sexual deviances towards Gorillas, especially silverbacks, Mrs Bahookie was later released on bail. Mr Dainty of Kettering however felt that the police should have taken sterner action, and later released a short statement through his solicitor. " I am disapointed with today's ruling, and disappointed with the judicial system. It is not fair that a peace loving, innocent man should be afraid to step foot outside his house under the constant fear that I will have to deal with aggressive sexual advances of a bahhokie nature" Mr Dainty is appealing against the decision, and is being joined by Mr Bahookie who pleaded for a custodial sentence for his wife.

And finally, there has been an outbreak of ecoli and salmonella in the wooton hall area of Northampton yesterday. Victims seem to range geographically from Milton Keynes to Corby, and it is thought that they were contaminated during a tea held during a sporting event at Wooton Hall. Police advised that the sandwiches in question may still be at large, and that they are very dangerous. Members of the general public have been advised that they should not approach the sandwiches under any circumstances, but should call the authorities immediately.

Thats all from your national news and sport teams, next you can watch some totally pointless news from your region, where bugger all ever happens and the lead stories will most likely include Mrs Hampsure from Norwich who has found a potato shaped amusingly like a potato, Mr Bringleswaite from Sheringham who raises the puzzling story of where and how the strange milk bottles appear on his doorstep every day, and Mr Broggins whose family have maintained a history of pointing at the moon for over 3 generations and are now to be given an award by their local mayor. Oh and no doubt some little turd has drawn a picture of a bird sitting in a field that they will use to link the local news to the local weather and they will comment on how good the drawing is by Emily Strawbrain, who is 7 and from Cromer - but we can all plainly see that it is shite and her use of perspective, shadowing, and general size and orientation is completely buggered and frankly is not good enough to line my waste paper basket - and still they don't use the photographs I sent them of me naked and trussed up like a Sunday roast with a half a cucumber pertruding from my orifices ! Oh no all I get is a call from the local police telling me that this is not art !

I think that'll be enough for today from the Cavalier Unoffical News Team.

See you next time, and please, don't have nightmares.

buck i just laughed out loud at work!

fuck!! i laugh so much reading these!! it actuall hurts... was nearly sick laughing so hard at the police statement bit!! ....keep it up bucky, t'will make for surely a geniously funny book in the seasons to come... forget wisdons! lol

This man has so much time on his hands!