Player Profiles - Cavs UnOfficial News Team

As the excitment builds I thought it would be a fitting tribute to the opening 11 to be reviewed assesed and generally abused, while giving the opposition an insight into the make up and pysche of our illustrious team.

All thoughts, ramblings, comments, and asparugus in the below post are meant with a truely loving yet mischevious tone, and no offence is meant nor seeked. I'm just so excited to start again I have to fill my time doing something - yes something other than THAT....

All elements of this post are based on nothing but rubbish and should be totally discounted and ignored, apart from the nice bits of which I mean nearly all that I say...

So here goes

1. Tony "Big Dog Butterbean" Harris

The taxi driving leading run scorer, and replaced skipper of last year is a big hitting KFC loving love muffin. On the cricket pitch he bats 27 yards out of his crease and has the same fearless approach when fielding at any "silly" position taking the hits and taking the bruises. He bats with a 53 pound bat, which coincedentally is the exact same amount that he spends on fizzy drinks in any 3 hour period. In his spare time off the field of combat he likes nothing more than spreading beef dripping onto homeless frogs in Berkshire. Legend !

2. Phil "Pee Pee" Peel

Last years deserved player of the season has been moved up to open the batting in the early part of this season. His low batting stance and walk from leg to middle stump makes him an ideal batsmen - to laugh at... His nickname is all to do with the initial letters of his name, it does not imply nor suggest that his incontinance problem is worstening. In Phils spare time off the field he spends his time with his brother in law at Eastender tribute meetings. Legend !

3. J. "to the" C Hayward

J "to the" C is a truly gifted cricketer, an excellent bowler, batsmen and fielder, he is a joy to behold on the field of summer enjoyment. Off the field he is a man of few words, that make sense, and a rather fusty baige biscuit like odour. J "to the" C is how brown owl taught Andrew the alphabet which explains some of his less gramatically correct posts on this very website. If JttC has a good season then the Cavaliers will have a good season - and he is bound to be battling again for that joint top wicket taking position that he managed last year. Legend !

4. Micky Skipper Dainty

MD a true leader of men if ever there was one, our incoming skipper has quite literally no years of experience in the job, and intends to use all of this experience wisely in leading the Cavaliers to glory this season. MD is a strong gifted batsmen who can launch a hefty blow, usually straight after taking a quick single.... With a constant chirp and a reliable and dedicated badgerous type as his vice captain, MD will no doubt lead us into a new chapter in the mighty Cavaliers history. Legend. !

5. Ross "Fonzie" Marriott

The Fonz is a true legend in the world of 1980's fashion, and doing his upmost to take the naughties back to an age where sandles & socks, kharki, tucked in thin wollen based jumpers, and a well kept moustache were all that a man could dream of, and all that a women could do to keep her hands off! Ross not only arrives with his cricket shirt and trousers ironed with a crease that has been measured and calculated using Darwins theory of Crease-ativity, but has coat hangers for his chewing gum! One of the most loved creatures within the Cavs team, a true gentleman in every way, with a dry biting sense of humour and a poor batting record he is a true.... Legend !

6. David " Badgerous Buckstar" Rogers

Well where should we start. Buck was born on a planet where it was lawfully required to have sexual relations with any small furry woodland creatures that were called Gerald. This planet was inhabited by tripod based humanoids who had had their right upper limb removed and replaced with a never ending urge to drink lager, eat kebabs and generally be an annoyance to everyone that encountered them. Buckie is no different. On the cricket pitch Buckie has an orthadox right arm stance for a left armed batsman with no right arm, and has developed a bowling style based on the theory that shit balls take wickets. Buckie retains his VC post from last year and hopes at the end of the season to trade it in for a 1972 morris minor. Badger Diety !

7. A "Angie" J

AJ leads a suprisingly normal life when you take into the fact that he has been raised in C town. C town, a holding pen for the Jeremy Kyle show and one of the few places that Ethopian towns held a rock concert to raise monies for... AJ was 17 before he found out that windows were supposed to be transparent devices and not just holes in the wall with boards on them. Despite this AJ joined the cricketing fraternity a number of years back, and has made a constant improvement year on year in both batting and bowling practices. And in the field he has an amazing arm, one could only hazard a guess into where he got that strength from... Legend !

8. Micky "The Spin" Maynard

Micky the Spin leads batsmen to dance a merry jig by befuddling them, and us on where his next ball will pitch, bounce and or spin to. Last years bowler of the year will surely be looking to trap more unknowing flies (batsman) into his devious spiders web ( err bowling ). Legend !

9. Richie Rich Edwards

Far too new to be exposed to the random ramblings of a madman - has been netting all through the winter, and looks to bring some powerful strokes, some left arm bowling, and some unorthadox fielding to the team. Rich, when the ball struck firmly at him, prefers not to use his hands to stop the forthcoming projectile, but instead to block it with his youthful looking face ! Legend in the making !

10.

Steve " Penfold Vettori Mitchell Rocky Grant Hawkins" Rolf

A very experienced skipper and cricketer indeed, well when you get to his age you have the opportunity to be so.. A man a legend in the medium paced bowling department who has a brain made for cricket, yes made of cork and covered in cows skin.. One of the nicest fellows you could wish to meet both on and off the cricket pitch, and who offers a great deal, not only with his bowling, but with his insight into the game, and also with his truly shocking feilding which is worth the entrance fee alone! Legend !

11. K LO

K Lo is just like J Lo without the looks, singing ability, or sexy bootayy ! What a difference one letter makes. K Lo came to cricket as a spectator and willing participiant, and after performances last year is maintaining a place not only in the team but in our hearts. He keeps defying the rigours of old age to play, and maintains his Sid Little like good looks. Legend !

pure genius!

the ross one actually made me do a bit of wee!!

gunna print this out for people to read on sunday!!

buck has promised a match report for every game, so will print off all together to make a chavs cricketing diary 09!

So what time are we starting then on Sunday?

Wheres the match report then Bucky boy?