Match Report by the Cavaliers Unofficial News Team

The below is a satirical view through the eyes of a half man, 1 third badger that has mental health issues.

The light hearted alternative review contains images of sex and voilence, and occasional mocking and mick taking. No offence is meant and if any is taken, then please be aware that this is an offence and thieves and shoplifters will be prosecuted under the 1942 act of illegal gains and tomato plant growing.

It was a warm and sunny day on the outer planet of hebridon, one of the moons lesser known cousins where there be a match of cricket being played on a pitch made of cheese and picallily.

The game started when the build up ended, and there was a flipping of a coin made by two old fellows one resembling the captain of Finmere, and the other resembling a small country in Africa.

After the game began there were suprisingly no interuptions caused by herding wildebeast, nor was the game halted for drinks at any time - both frankly coming as quite a suprise.

The mitchell brothers opened the bowling for the mighty morphin power cavs, with the good looking of the two, bowling great lines and taking a wicket - but deserving much more - like a cuddle of one of the queens corgi's. The uglier, and may I say vastly uglier of the two, Penfold Hawkins Mitchell started better than we had all imagined he would - by facing in the right direction, in the upright position, and with his clothes correctly adorned. His first two balls were mere warm ups in the chuckle department, as latter we got to laugh at him falling over in the field, and in true fashion standing still instead of feilding a ball that was only 3 and a half feet away from him. But then a Cavs game is not a cavs game unless we hear the immortal words " I lost it in the clouds" "The sun was in my eyes" " I was too lazy to fetch it" and so on... This fielding incidently was nothing the sadly no longer "cool for an old un" Ross letting JC run around the bounday to fetch a ball that was 30 feet away from him. But as JC is the equivalent of a young springer spaniel, i.e. he has bags of energy, is very enthusiastic, has some good abilities, will run all day, and still shits on the front room mat, this was acceptable.

Micky spinner then came on with JC - and as always JC was a hero, just think what this boy could have been like if not had he a father with the dress sense of a war torn 18th century village on the outskirts of Chefatwagan. As for Micky the spin his radar was certianly tuned in, but not always to the mat that we were playing on...

AJ and the Ronster then were let loose on the poor unexpecting batting fellows of Finmere, and boy was it a display of sheer rabbitness that allowed the bowlers to take 3 wickets between them - said in an unresenting way of someone that couldnt take a wicket if the other team had 11 batsman of the batting ability of a 1 legged nun who was quite good at croquet and enjoyed the pleasure of a mans finger, but had never held a cricket bat in her life - or I suppose 11 Rolfys...

Kitchener and Rogers finished the batsman off with a high paced battering that will leave the batsmen traumatised for some considerable time - that'll learn em.

107 runs were made by the fin fellows of Finmere - on a pitch that was probably going to see a score of 140 to 155 be a challenging target.

Tea was taken where the teamistress of the gods had chosen to experiment with ham and picawotsit sandwiches - not a theme that went down next with the traditionalists of the ham sandwich brigade - and what could be the start of a frankly worrying trend that may see brown owl experiment with all sorts of sandwich fillings. Ham and picawotsit - whatever next i ask you - Tuna and White gloss emulsion, cheese and washing line pegs, chicken spread and deisel fumes... this situation will need careful monitoring over the coming weeks...

Ross - the artist previously known as having some style until wearing a jumper that really would have taken more stick if it wasn't for swampy Hayward and his garment that could support a town of Incan rain forest tribesmen for 3 years, providing them with warmth, shelter, and a smell that no-one could quite put their finger on but smelt vaguely of baige bicuits and boiled goose beaks - and JC the springer, went out to bat.

Back on the terrace Mrs Bahookie gave commentry - which wasn't the best from the sex crazed half cut " I can't see the ball or whats going on so get me another bottle of wine ya bassa" but it was appreciated none the less, as is the company of the dogger family at every game. Further to this AJ reminiscence of 19th century pop culture, and anacdotes ranging from the time he swam the Gieger, to the time he held lectures at Yale university had everyone in great spirits.

After some time - some considerable time - we reached our target bringing wild celebrations from the near capacity crowd.

Other amusing moments of the day were micky hurtiing his finger, micky hurting his knee, and micky getting hit by the ball.

Not so amusing is the state of my body this morning - everything apart from my hair and my eye balls aches.

Nevertheless bring on next week where will shall strive to once again be victorious in the field of battle and return with victory and honour intact.

I'm off for my afternoon nap and my pills now.

Look out for more weird wamblings in the near future from the Cavaliers Unofficial News Team - a name that will never be abbreviated .......

And coming soon a feature length movie production, a steamy love story set in the Cavaliers dressing room before and after a cricket match - "Truly Unmissable a 6 star film" - The Kettering Daily Post Telegraph Herald

Adios amebas

Quack.

ooooh yer fooker!! that is some funny shit there bucky!! i literally caughed up flem onto me Tshirt i was laughing so much!!! you gotta do this shit everyweek fershizzle!! awesome i really was laughing out loud all the way through and im on me own... i feel a bit mad now...like you!!!
anyway quality... was gunna highlight some good bits but theres too many!!!

nice one, you found something your good at, and you typed it all yourself........ youre amazing!!

mad as a shagging a and a

very funny! brown owl thought so aswell!