Cavaliers Unnoficial News Team Report versus Islipsham

On a day that had the hardiest of hedgerow creatures cursing their luck that they had indeed been born into the animal kingdom and not the human kind as they couldn't turn on the central heating - or to be fair they could have been one of those Enid Blindoldwhatshername characters that lived in twee houses and spoke and drove cars and had drug fuelled wife swapping bahookie parties at old Joe the Winchester Wild Wrens house every Thursday !

Any way on a day like the above, we we went to Islipsham to play cricket - with, it has to be said a certian confidence that today would be the day that we turned round this losing streak that captain T Bone had magnificently led us to, and that we might strike the warm and wet welcome feeling of a win.

Well when I say we went to Islipsham, that may not be entirely true for all in question.... 10 of us lined up to take the field but there was no Ross "The Fonz" Marriot. The number of 10 was increased but not by a whole number when Kevin volunteered to take the field in the absence of the previous lord and master of the Cavs.

Just before we were to take the field the call of the Marriot was taken on the mobular device of the Spaniel - Where the bloody hell are you all ?? I'm here at Isham and theres no on else here !! Ahh the joy of others silly mistakes.

So the 10 and one third of us took the field after T bone had yet again opted to lose the toss.

PP and Daniel Mitchell Penfold Hawkins Vettori opened the bowling both of them having reasonable success on the less than favorable wicket. The wicket resembled a 1947 humbug, banana and cow pat roly poly cake - as was very fashionable for sunday teas in those days.

It was a rolled mud pie, a shaven piece of grass - the feild had genetals - it would have just have had a brazilian - it was a mess. It looked like the contents of Rolfys underwear after a hard day working at the " Poke the freak up the bum with a box of shredded wheat" office - that is officially where Rolfy works - if you dont believe me look at his business card - look but don't touch unless you have good gloves or good health insurance.

After about 6 overs Ross did arrive at the right ground, and after 16 overs, some ironing and starch work he joined the game.

Young Matty Hayward took a good catch diving to his right off of one of the many mystery balls of Rolfy's spell. Unfortunately Matty then took it upon himself to diver for everything in the field with it has to be said lesser success.

After the first change Buckie came on to bowl 8 overs 1 maiden, taking 2 for 26, JC on the other hand came on and got slapped around the park before being taken off for AJ who made up for yet another Chelsea defeat No league Cup lost to Spurs in the Final, No League lost the Champions and no Champs League - lost to the champions...by taking 4 wickets with a mixture of full tosses and beamers !!

Also thrown one was a couple of NOOOO BAAALLS for good measure which frankly lifted the spirits of all concerned at the ground as we all marvelled in the vocal artistry that we were honoured with, and according to reports just in Mr Charles of Banbury was one of many to send in welcoming message - Mr Charles a corn farmer sent his thanks as the cries echoed accross the counties, scaring off crows and other predators to his valueable golden crop. He later commented " At first I thought it was a call from the Gods saying that I had no balls and was frankly a bit of a gayer, having experimented in that sort of thing whilst at Farmers College in Bristol during the 80s, and on that matter I would just like to clear up that while I may have had oral sex with Benny from Middlesex - I never inhaled" After a breif pause to regain his thoughts Mr Charles added " But then I realised it wasn't the gods calling me a bottie jukking felch furrower, but the legendary sound of the lesser spotted Hayward blessing my ears. I have to say it was truely a life changing experience for me and my crops, and one that I would be sure to pass on to my Grandchildren if it were indeed possible for me to impregnate Barry the farm help, or Bessie the Cow."

Matty finished the innings by clean bowling some fellow his his first ball.. 90 something or other to chase - and the Cavs were feeling good.
Good ! Now theres a word that might not be used for the tea that we recieved, according to some unconfirmed reports that I can neither confirm or deny. Marshmellows and spam sandwiches are frankly right up there in my all time top five Sunday lunches personally.... Brown Owl we love you - please dont ever leave your tea makey wakeyness.

Moving on

For some reason T Bone decided to open with JC and the Shrew !! Yes the Shrew ! And for all of you that thought I had forgotten, yes the same Shrew that is no longer called the Shrew because he supports Shrewsbury, and has a frankly very silly surname, but is actually called the Shrew because he has a furry exterior, very small genetaliar, and who is clearly scared of anything moving faster that a falling feather, that has been on a heavy diet and is wearing a large parachute !! What a muppet ! That exceeds nearly half of the crapness of Hawkins errors in the field in simply 1 hit - a hit that should have been caught may I add ?!

Anyways Shrew went for 2 after stealing duck avoidance through edges and mis fields. Mickey went in and got 3 - we were getting better.. if we had 20 wickets we could still do it at this rate of improvement. Then went Tony and he got something that ryhmes with muck, luck, suck, Ducky Boy, oh and fu... Yes he got nothing then a big round quackaroo - which later matty would join him one after being given out be his pops, and AJ after seeing one ball and then charging down the wicket like a big plum !!!

Around and in between that saw Ross get a couple, JC fall for next to nowt and Phil get bowled between his legs.

Buckie was the only batsmen to get into double figures as the Cavs fell apart for an embarressment of a total.

The highlight of the innings, other than Buckie Boycotts 13 not out off of 76 Overs, was Rolfaroo at the crease. It wasn't that he batted badly at all, out of all of the bottom order he offered the most resistance. But when he got himself tied up in a knot to their "spinner" and ended up siiting in front of his wickets like a scolded child - there wasn't a dry eye in the house, moving.. no... hillarious yes. Well done Hawkins.

Then once we finished we all went down tut pub for some ale. In a pub that smelt rather strange inside, it was a mixture of perming solution and, well frankly poo. So we sat outside and had a good ole chatter - whilst Brown Owl drank something greenish in colour that was either a Fairy Liquid cordial, or Frogs wee - either way she seemed happy.

And that was that. Until next week folks goodby, and remember, please don't have nightmares.

Cavaliers Unnoficial News Team.

All opinions, thoughts, comments, and characters that are made up or fictional in the above literature are indeed all fictional or made up, despite any opinions thoughts, comments or characters that may resemble real opinions,thoughts, comments or characters in real life. All likenes to any opinion thought, comment or character that is made up to any opinion thought, comment or character that is indeed or may well be partially true in some way or another, is purely a flukey sort of coincidence, in the same awy that bogeys sometimes taste of ear wax.

i love you david rogers... FACT! LMFAO!