Cavaliers Unnoficial News Team - Match Report Week 1

Well here we were again arriving at the theatre of, well err, cricket - the first day of the season had finally arrived.

People arrived, faces lost from the memory into the dark depths of the winter months now re appearing out of a non existant fog that had not lifted because it didn't exist but if it had of done it would have been fading away into the distance of our memories - but it didnt so it wasn't.

The main suprise was not the fact that the waist lines on show would be a higher number in inches than the highest batting average of the season, but the fact that Ross Ram arrived not in the trusty old Red Rover circa 1857 but in a rather lovely Jagwar charriot afforded to him by the damages that he had recieved the previous year from the ladyboy institute of Wooton.

We won the toss and confident of a win we batted first expecting to post a target of around 7 to 800 in our 40 overs.

PP and Big H Butterbean Harris marched purposely to the crease like two halves of a pantomime Hippopottamus, and we were off.

Tony taking advantage of an early loosener hit the first 4 of the season hurrah shouted the 3 spectators and their dog. Well the dog didn't shout hurrah for two reasons, firstly he thought the use of the word hurrah was being used improperly in the first instance of an active pro noun for an action or activity that was indeed in the past, and secondly because he was a DOG !!

Tony soon fell to a soon following delivery and was left to trudge back to the pavilion sponsered by salmonella and botchalism this season.

JC went in at 3 and apart from a few shakey moments looked rather good, ending eventually with 45. PP was meanwhile amassing a score at the other end, and by the time he fell in the 10th over he had contributed 12 .. yes 12 of your finest English runs.

Micky attended the crease and hit some lovely looking shots down the ground before falling on something a lot less than a 100 and slightly more than 9.

Bucky then marched forward, having looked really rather adequate in the past few weeks at the nets, expecatations were well indeedly quite low for a match winning performance - and those expectations were met when Richard "The bastard" Edwards gave Bucky out after only two balls LBW - thus depriving the spectators of any further entertainment - well until Richard starting fielding that is but we shall maybe touch upon that later.

Ross attended the crease in his beautifully coiffered and manicured outfit, featuring this years new colors in the fashion world of white trousers, with a flash of white, a white shirt decorarted with white lapels and collars, and a white head decorated with a greyish brown goatee. Zoolander has nothing on this man !

Ross scored next to nothing, and then enter the Rich on debut. Now without wanting to sound bitter about Buckys dismissal, and certianly never wishing a fellow team mate to do anything other than well ( well apart from that pillock Rolf ) Bucky did feel a certain HA BLOODY HA HA when the man that had dismissed him for a second ball LBW, was indeed given out for a first ball LBW and they say the lord works in mysterious ways - nothing mysterious about that...

Micky the spin, Kev and Rolfy added some more runs to our pitiful total after AJ had yet again shown us that despite having a certian ability with the bat he has the patience and concentration span of an empty crisp packet ! Rolfaroo managing to amass 9 runs even after being bowled on his first delivery that was perfectly legal despite the fact that it was above head height and delivered from half way down the track....

120 odd all out.. there was a general feeling of "oh bugger" around during tea, which I have to say after the initial vomitting and eye spasms turned out to be a nearly text book delivery of sandwiches and cake. Although it does have to mentioned that the sausage rolls could not have been harder if they had indeed been cooked on the forehead of beelzebub for just short of an eternity and then transferred to a pizza oven just outside of Mars where they were finished off for the last 30 years on gas mark "bloody hot" !

We tried to rally ourselves to the task - opening days can indeed deliver many a low scoring game.

PP and Rolfehawkins opened the bowling that involved some good deliveries and a lot of heavy breathing, after their opening spell between them of 14 overs we had nearly destroyed the will of the opposition with them sitting on 40 off for the loss of quiite literally no wickets.

JC came on and had a similar impact and Buckys only over of the day going for somewhere in the region of 200.

You would think that as the day went on spirits would have dropped to a low whree no one cared - but you were indeed right yes that is indeed what happened until we found that our new fit and athletic player, Rich, was indeed, although very loveable and an all round top bloke, a bit of a spaz..

Rich warmed up off the field by throwing a tennis ball to an 8 year old who was ever eager to play, well when I say throwing to an 8 year old, sometimes the ball did go in the general direction of the said child. And when I say ever eager 8 year old, well his eagerness didn't wain, he just chose to play with his nan instead after a while, after being heard to murmor "for god sake man" for the 47th time.

Rich in the field may be about to take Rolfe's legendary status, and the Cavs Unnoficial news team would like to make an exciting statememnt at this point in proceedings. We are proud to announce that there will be a further award delivered at the end of this season by the Cavs UNT entitled the "Hawkins Spacker award for excellence in mis fielding in the field of fielding"

This prestigous award will be awarded by the founding member of the Cavs UNT, and scoring for the award has already started..

Any way Rich was poo in the field the highlight of this was when presented with a run out chance Rich not only failed to pick up the ball but kneed it and kicked it further and further away from the stumps allowing the batsman to make their ground by surfing a band of passing circus snails from one end of the wicket to another.

After that AJ bowled some good uns, Micky spinner had an impact with the ball, and Rich took his debut wicket for the Cavs.

We lost reasonably comfortably and retired to the showers and the bar.

In summary it was great to be back even though the result wasn't what we wanted or expected. It was great to see everyone again, and really good to see Rich make his debut in what we all hope will be a long Cavs career. And it was great to see and hear more smirky stories which may lead to a spin off series of short stories on this site, with back episodes featuring: Burgulars disguised as earthquakes, The X files of Steves wardrobe, and the dangers of eating Grapefruit.

Great to be back, love to all

Tatty bye

All opinions, thoughts, comments, and characters that are made up or fictional in the above literature are indeed all fictional or made up, despite any opinions thoughts, comments or characters that may resemble real opinions,thoughts, comments or characters in real life. All likeness to any opinion thought, comment or character that is made up to any opinion thought, comment or character that is indeed or may well be partially true in some way or another, is purely a flukey sort of coincidence, in the same way that bogeys sometimes taste of ear wax.

david rogers.....


you absolute genius!!

(You can put that on the cover of the book at the end of the season... or pamphlet as its more likely to be described!)

L-O-V-ing your work... keep it up!

Well what can one say about Buck. He is a legend, (with to much time on his hands) but nether the less a legend.