Match Report Old Bradwell - Cavaliers Unofficial News Team

On a day that was called Sun the Cavaliers took the trek to the Bradwell that is old to play some cricket on a pitch that has a water leak in it - but apparently the water board don't care - which incidently is exactly the same as Brown Owl's 3rd cousin twice removed who had a leak in her dining room and they had to dig up all the floor before they could proove there was a water leak - cos the water board just didn't want to know - even though there was water everywhere and the water meter was spinning round really quite fast but still they just didn't care - and there was only the two of them and a dog living there ! I ask you.

The day started, which is always a good sign, and I got picked up after a night on the pop, which to be honest had left me feeling rather poorly, and in need of some sick and some poo. Despite my poor constitution, I have to say, I think I hid this very well, and I'm not sure anyone noticed that I was feeling the worse for wear..

While waiting for the game to start we were all treated to an excellent anacdote from Nursey Brown Owl about a women sitting on a roundabout putting on sun tan cream. Well I can tell you that its a good job she stopped when she did because if not none of us would have been fit to play due to straining our hilario muscles ( these are found between your armpits and your knees). Not unlike an old womens boobies.

Tony had a toss with the opposition captain, and he came second.

So we were to bat.

Spaniel and T-Bone went out to bat, and frankly none of us were suprised to see JC return bowleded and even less T-Bone getting run out.

John Oli Oliver yeahed his way to the crease, where after some interesting leaves he looked to be back into the cricketing fold rather nicely.

Silverback attended the crease with expecatations low of him achieving owt, but he played some nice early shots before getting " A shooter" and being bolwed.

Phil aka MoM then played really rather well to achieve his maiden 50 for the Cavs, which he acknowledged with a nonchalent lift of the bat as to imply that this happens week in week out. The crowd were disappointed with this, as they wanted to see him drop his trousers and do a lap of the paviliion after smearing himself in strawberry jam and singing "look at me Im a lovely lovely turnip" to the sound of the Panorama theme tune.

AJ batting for the first time without his helmet, ( this being the helmet on his head because now that he is 18 he is allegedly allowed to make grown up decisions - which some may question due to his poor choice of football allegiance ) and not not batting without a helmet after some horrific circumcision accident in which the surgeon sneezed at the wrong time and was left holding a little one eyed plum rather than just the skin of fore. AJ batted well with some lusty blows that would have had Mrs Bahookie dancing under the trees in a state of drunken excitement.

AJ fell and Buckie the bat went to the crease, after some early majestic stroke play, Phil realised the threat to his top scoring and MoM and decided that Bucky must go - so he ran me out.

After that Matty managed to slow the run rate down - and still got more runs than me ! But not enough to earn the magical and mystical prize of the bar of Mars.

Rolfy then attempted to wind up Bradwells bowler by going out with his trousers on back to front, and at one stage managing to get within a foot of the ball with his bat.

The innings closed on 172 for some.

A lovely tea was taken - with fresh sandwiches nice salad, and fresh fruit, not to mention the lovely array of cakes and biscuits that the good people of Bradwell had strived to provide for us.

After gorging ourselves, we attended he field to do some "fielding" - me still hiding the fact that I needed some sick and some poo and felt really rather ropey - but had managed to hide this from everyone.

After Phil had bowled acouple of balls it was clear that the injury sustained whil batting where the ball struck him just under his left moob was causing him some pain, and he retired to moan in the field...

JC bowled with a lively pace - but other than micky the gloves taking a couple of catches was generally unsupported by our field.

Ollie returned with the ball - and his first over was frankly .. well we were all glad when his first over was well over - but he improoved as the balls went past. Well to be honest it would have been harder to get much worse but he finished his spell of 8 overs with 30 more runs scored against him than Rolfy's 2 over spell on Wednesday so not so bad.

Ronnie did some bowling too - which was nice ! And bucky, on a pitch that would have suited his guile-ish ways was yet again overlooked - I'm not sure how much more of this shunning Bucky can take ! This shun was also backed up by the fact that frankly Bucky was the best fielder on the park, taking everything cleanly, covering the ground superbly, and all this while still managing to hide from everyone how truely poorly he was.

Despite the distint lack of Bahookieness at the ground, Nursey was on great form, and her company was enjoyed by all.

Smirker's hat decided to follow the general trend and try to put as much distance between itself and smirker which led to a Benny Hill-esque chase around the ground - sadly the hat was recaptured and forced to serve many more overs..

Amazingly, despite hiding the fact that I didn't feel well at all, and needed some sick and some poo, and feilding like a god, while showing signs of genious with the bat before being run out - somehow the MoM was not given to me but to Phil ! Huff.

After the game the Jones brothers bought some beer, Phil bought some beer - but again the Harris declined o buy a jug - something that will have to be rectified soon or we will be left with no option other than to saw off his left nipple with a jackdaw.

During fines the Haywards racked up some considerable points with Matty managing a very impressive 8 million to take the lead in the competition - he may well be caught next week by anyone deciding to go on a train ride with some Teddy weddy bears - what a gayer !!

Other contributions were pretty much significant from all apart from me, with micky's fines rising shaply once I had been safely delivered to my door - that 27.5 rising to 3.2 million in a matter of seconds.

The last noteworthy point has to come from an origin of the showers after the game. Bucky Phil and micky all sharing a shower together, at the same time, not much room for movement there, other than a small tinge of arousement in genitaliar due to the fine specimens on show..

Bucky then dried and put his shorts on without pants - as stated yesterday I have to wear no pants - because pants haven't yet been made that can take the job on - Woof !

Then Ollie went into the shower, after briefly losing the towel that he had taken out of his bag 10 seconds earlier... and took with him a shaving razor device. On leaving the dressing rooms Ollie had unfortunately, whilst presumably removing some rather annoying "Finger Fluff" put a huge gash onto his finger - ooerr missus...

Not to fear as Smirkey was to the resuce with antiseptic wipes and general first aidery that was only just celebrating its 10th Year of being out of date !!

After general chat and high spiritedness after another fine defeat, we all departed, playtime over and off we all went.

Cheery byeness until next week to all.

Cavaliers Unofficial News Team.

another work of observational comedy genius... laughed nearly as much as when i heard the old girls result!!!